Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Ride

I have been fortunate to have some wonderful mentors and advisers in my life. I have received
guidance and counsel from my amazing husband, my family, my friends, my clients that I have been honored to attend, and the occasional unknown stranger with the right comment at the right time. I believe many of my most poignant realizations about myself and life have come from none other than my children.

Our family has lived an incredible journey so far, varied and diverse. A life many are surprised at after they have met us, not knowing our history. A life I love and am fiercely proud of. Our lifestyle is unique, to say the least. Somehow everything in our life is processed and related back to either birth, because of my passion as a doula; or horses, my husband's passion as a farrier. Diabetes is no exception.

Farrier- not sure what that is? Neither is the rest of the non-equine world. Putting it very simply, he puts horseshoes on the feet of horses. A modern day blacksmith. My husband is a genius at what he does, combining science and art for the health and well being and performance of the horse. He is passionate about what he does and has a well earned reputation for his expertise. Unlike England and Europe, horsehoeing in America is unregulated and no formal education system or accreditation system exists. My husbands passion for education and advancing his skill has set him on the path to obtaining the recognition and accreditation required in England to shoe horses. The test for obtaining an Association for the Worshipful Company of Farriers is grueling and demanding. He studied for over a year and when the opportunity to take the test in America for the first time ever presented itself in a small town in Missouri, my husband signed up. He studied for months and practiced building the handmade shoes every spare moment. We worked hard as a family to support him.

Our oldest son T has always been interested in shoeing horses. The kids all go with Sam to work during the summer and breaks, traveling around meeting people and visiting with longtime clients and hanging out at the barns. Many of our clients have watched the kids grow up over the years. T and C both have several hundred dollars saved up from working with their Dad. T is especially interested and spent many hours helping Sam study and forge shoes out of straight metal bar stock.

"So, what does all of this have to do with diabetes?" you ask- hang in there with me, I am getting to it.

As a teenager obsessed with animals and horses and cowboys I started listening to country music- mostly to piss off my Dad. (It worked, he detested country music.) I must admit, my own taste has changed dramatically since then and my rebellion mostly wore off. One artist that I still love is, Chris LeDoux; more cowboy poet and storyteller than country singer, his songs have marked many poignant events in our life. Our wedding, birthdays, parties and special memories of a ranch living lifestyle left behind are fondly reminisced every time I hear his music.

Back to the test my husband spent so much time and energy studying for. I went with Sam to Missourri to support him for the exam, leaving the kids in California in the competent care of my Dad. The morning the exam started my husband was more nervous than the day we got married. Just before going in to start the exam, he got the following text message from T. An excerpt from a song by Chris Ledoux we all love. It said,

"Sit tall in the saddle, Hold your head up high
Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky
Live like you ain't afraid to die
And don't be scared, just enjoy your ride"

That verse was exactly what my husband had needed to here. It wasn't about the test, it was about the journey. When I couldn't come up with any words of wisdom, our son who was twelve at the time, provided the perfect wisdom at the perfect time.

This last week has been a rough one. Diabetes is consuming. The fear of the unknown crippling. There have been terrible events recently that prove how horrible this disease is. The grief at times has felt overwhelming. This disease and what it is capable of sit like a foreboding shadow in the back of my mind, showing itself in my weak and vulnerable moments.

We have cried, raged, grieved and cried some more over the pain this disease causes. And yet, life keeps going. We have played, laughed, loved and kept living. Diabetes takes precious time away. Time spent carb counting, weighing food, planning, logging, testing, learning, worrying, the list goes on and on. Time that just a short while ago was taken for granted. Time spent free from the weight and constant vigilance this disease demands. I won't let diabetes take one more second than it requires from us. Not. one. second. So when I can't come up with any words of wisdom and comfort, words of hope. I will take another life lesson from our son and Chris Ledoux.

"Sit tall in the saddle, Hold your head up high
Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky
Live like you ain't afraid to die
And don't be scared, just enjoy your ride"

Thank you for sticking with me on this one. I know it took a while to get there.

8 comments:

  1. Those lyrics are perfection. What a wonderful theme for our lives...LIVE!

    Thank you for sharing more about your family. We have something very important in common...the knowledge that family is everything.

    I love that T sent your husband those words. He is amazing!

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  2. Great write up April. We're so proud of you. Your head on approach and positive attitude is amazing. You all are doing an awesome job with the cards you've been dealt. Love u Uncle R and Aunt A

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  3. April,

    Thanks for posting. Love getting to know you and your family better.

    I appreciate your reference to time and how D takes some of it away. I never really thought about that before. You are so RIGHT.

    The lyrics are beautiful and your kids sound amazing. Hope you have a good week friend.

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  4. WOW! What a BEAUTIFUL post! Seriously made me tear up a little....I love it. I might just have to remember to come back to this when I'm having a bad day. Thanks :)

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  5. That was really beautifully written. I am sorry the past week has been hard. I will say, although I am only about a year into it, that it gets quicker and easier to do all those things. It is still quite time consuming, but it does get better!
    Your family sounds amazing and so supportive AND uniquely talented! =)

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  6. Thank you all so much for reading this little peek into our lives. Writing is helping me process through this and get to a better place. I have learned so much from all of you as well. Your comments mean so much to me- thank you!!!

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  7. Hi April,
    What a wonderful post. It is so hard not to let diabetes consume you and take up more space than it should in your daily life. I always have to remember to not be scared and to enjoy the ride...
    I just found your blog thanks to your comment on mine this morning. It is always a pleasure to meet another T1 parent.
    Looking forward to getting to know you and your family!

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  8. wonderful post April....
    I thought I was the only one who enjoyed chris ledoux. i used to see him preform on the rodeo circuit before he went big :) it is amazing how we can find comfort in the lyrics of songs...i am partial to country music too, esp pre mid 90's , ok i just dated myself..

    the T1 ride is a journey and it important that we keep our focus in perspective i am grateful for every day and count my blessings (ok there is a song about that too, tee hee)

    i look forward to reading your blog..... btw, we are in the sierras about 45 min from tahoe.... how old is your son?

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